Why am I not healing?
Oh friends. This one is a doozy of a question, and one that I’ve both been asked and asked myself. And the answer isn’t simple. There are many different directions I could have take this post, but this is what’s up for me. So here you go.
We all have particular defenses against healing certain aspects of ourselves. It could be that some things remain tucked away and hidden until we’re ready. It could be that you’re comfortable and used to being how you are, and while you very much want to heal, you also have all the reasons and justifications that you can’t. Like driving with the gas and brake on at the same time. For some, being unwell is power. When we are used to giving our power away, illness can be a way of trying to take the power back, of shifting the attention back to you. It could also be because of your definition of healing, and a lack of acceptance with the way things are.
Friends. I have some hard news. There needs to be acceptance before there can be change. There cannot be letting go without the loving.
We resist accepting ourselves so intensely. And our healing journey is often riddled with a desire to be fixed. The letting go becomes aggressive and pushy. Or we think we can trick ourselves into the letting go: “See? I love myself now! So HEAL ALREADY!!”
I want to take a moment to validate how frustrating this can be. Especially when we feel like we’ve been working on it for so long. I know, it makes you want to throw it all away. [And let me just say, that “fuck it!” can be incredibly helpful when we’ve been working so hard at being “good”. Get pissed for a minute. Throw a small tantrum. Anger can help things move if done cleanly. Don’t point it towards anyone (even yourself), and let it burn quick and fast if need be.]
We need to accept what is. Embrace all that is happening in your life, regardless of whether or not you like it. Accept that this is what is happening. I know, the fear is that you'll never change and become stuck and complacent. But acceptance isn't giving up. And accepting isn't negative or positive. We add those stories on when we react to what is. But there's a gap between seeing and reacting that can be found.
What we resist persists. Barf. And unfortunately so true.
Sometimes the resistance of accepting comes from the resistance of becoming what we most don’t want to become, usually a parent. So take a minute and acknowledge that. (We’ll explore this a bit deeper one week in Deepening). Yep, I really don’t want to be this. But this is what’s been handed down so how can I use it for my benefit?
Friends. This human thing is no joke. Let’s stop expecting that it’s easy and cut and dried. Let’s stop expecting perfection from ourselves. There is no finish line. Healing is a verb, an action, one that we engage with daily. It is allowing growth and change and recognizing those parts of yourself that are harming you. And then accepting them. Because something really beautiful happens when we fully accept what is, while looking towards what is possible.
Trungpa said it best: “Hold the sadness and pain of samsara in your heart and at the same time the power and vision of the Great Eastern Sun. Then the warrior can make a proper cup of tea.”
All the best friends. I’m with you on this journey.
xo
