Anti-Racist work might make you tired

My last post invited white people in to look at your own racism work. I recognize that the majority of the people on my list are white.

I wanted to send another to tell a bit about my story to hopefully validate and cheer you on (wherever you are at).

In the beginning, looking at my own internalized racism felt really clumsy. I felt so self-conscious, and so very aware of wanting to get it "right". Underneath that was both internalized whiteness (perfectionism), but also a desire to do no harm. A desire to be seen as a "good" white person. A desire to other myself from those who were blatantly, extremely racist. It got in the way of me seeing myself clearly.

A few years back I was fortunate enough to do a retreat with Rev. angel Kyodo williams and other black teachers speaking to the intersection of race/oppression and spirituality. We had an assignment to spend 30 minutes writing our life story about race. About 20 minutes in I could barely keep my eyes open. I no longer wanted to see the harm I had done in my lifetime. It didn't matter that it wasn't intentional. It was harm. 

I am a recovering good girl. I have to actively tell myself that mistakes are for learning. This was devastating for me to see about myself. 

These are things I needed to work through. Shame still arises on a regular basis - either through memories of things I have said, or things I haven't done, or mistakes I continue to make. It keeps me in check and keeps me from getting self-righteous about it all. Well, I hope it does anyway. But it no longer pulls me under. Shame keeps us centered on ourselves. I’ve needed to learn to move past it so I can continue to show up for others.

Several people unsubscribed from my last newsletter. The bigger part of me is really ok with anyone not on board with having these conversations to step off. The smaller part of me still wants to please everyone. But that part? That's the part that is perpetuating the very, very harmful construct of whiteness. 

There is a real fear that speaking up puts a target on your back. Which might mean being treated as, for example, a black person. That, right there, is how internalized racism works. It's how the system we have all been raised in keeps us quiet. I'm going to deny that you are treated differently while also making sure I'm never in the crosshairs that you are in daily.

So let's stay in courage. Let's stay with our looking, even when we can barely keep our eyes open. Care for yourselves!!! Take walks, find ways to stay connected to your joy and laughter and play. We cannot abandon ourselves either. We need our center and our ground more than ever.

We are moving against a stream of a long line of ancestors. Next week we'll address that directly in the meditation.

xo Jen