Belonging from the inside out.
Belonging is a wound-y place for me. I’ve always felt a bit on the outside.
There are lots of reasons for it. And I’ve learned to have a lot of compassion for myself for it. But it also kept me slightly out of center. Because in order to belong, I’d give up a little part of myself. I’d sacrifice myself without even knowing I’d done it.
I’d also look to others for my confirmation of whether or not I belonged. They got to decide.
Letting go of my need to belong, and my expectation that I would ever belong, means that I belong to myself. Which has been the belonging that I’ve wanted all along.
It means I feel at home when I’m just me.
It means it’s easier stand up and say hard, True things because I’m no longer worried (mostly) about being kicked out of the squad. I am the squad.
It means I can strip away the layers of labels that may have brought me belonging in the past if they no longer fit right. I’d rather be in my full humanity than belong to anything that denies that of myself or anyone else.
We can get caught in thinking that our feelings and beliefs are who we are. When we over-identify with our labels, it can feel as if we will die if someone disagrees with us. It happens every election. We get put into protection mode and dig in further. Finding some space between all the labels, and the big, spacious light that we are means we can question what we’ve been handed down. We can question whether we are in alignment with Truth or not.
I want to align, everyday, with my highest version of myself. I want to show up for this world and all the people here not pretending to be something else, but as my juiciest, most spacious, alive self. I can’t do that if I’m constantly worried about belonging or needing the external validation of whether or not I’m “in”.
Some of you saw my Instagram post with my shirt I got this fall, “I am not for everyone”. It is my reminder that while I may not belong to others, I will always belong to myself.
And, ironically, I feel more a “part of” than ever before. My connections to other humans feel so real and gorgeous and alive. There are no weird expectations standing in the way. And that is so freeing.
It hasn’t been an overnight process for me, but as I looked outward for validation when I felt shaky, I would remind myself, again and again, to find it internally. Sometimes, with our most wound-y spots, healing looks like constant, small acts of loving yourself.
xo Jen
