Being a failure at “healing”.

I have been thinking a lot the idea of healing. What it is, what it is not.

My youngest was recently diagnosed as needing glasses. I needed glasses at a similar age and have done all sorts of work to look at the trauma that caused it. And I have felt like an utter failure for not being able to heal my eyesight as an adult. So when she was diagnosed, there was a sinking feeling in my chest of disappointment in myself that I couldn't prevent the trauma that caused her to need them. As if physical impairments were a sign of moral failing. [This, for anyone who is unfamiliar, is internalized ableism.]

The day she got her glasses she wore them down the street in total wonder. "I can read that! I can see that from here! This is magical. Glasses are magic. Mama, you are the best mama. (Why?) Because you got me glasses!" Well then.

It is somewhat embarrassing and vulnerable to admit that there are still places ableism (and all the -isms) lurk inside. And, also, I remind myself that I have been taught since birth by the larger systems in power that any lack of perfection is a moral failing by me, personally. Lack of money? Must be my "choices". Climate change? I haven't recycled enough. And in the spiritual/wellness realm, physical ailments? I must not be doing my "work". Depressed or anxious? I must not be positive enough. 

Healing is not finding some idealized perfect self. Healing is not an arrival somewhere else.

Healing is not always a prevention of trauma, but a learning of resilience. 

What ideas are floating in your head around healing that can cause you to feel like a failure? Are they true? Who came up with these ideas, and is anyone benefitting from them? 

Do YOU benefit from them, or are they causing you harm?

There is no perfection. There is no moral perfection. There is no physical perfection. There is no emotional perfection. Embracing this is healing. 

This is not about someone else's idea of what right is. It's about engaging with our own lives and patterns and behaviors and tendencies that cause us suffering. 

What healing looks for me right now:

Healing is being able to see and experience joy in big and small moments. 

Healing is knowing that the grief is not going away, and trusting my ability to tend to myself and self soothe.

Healing is being in right relationship with others. Showing up. Having others show up for me. 

Healing is staying aware of myself.

Healing is staying aware of others.

Healing is looking at harmful patterns of behavior and asking for help on changing them. 

Healing is causing less harm.

Healing is allowing less harm.

Healing is recognizing what is my responsibility and what is not.

Healing is listening to my body and soul and adjusting my behaviors accordingly where I can. 

Healing is forgiving myself when I don't. 

Healing is staying in curiosity rather than judgment. 

Healing is staying. 

May each of you experience ease and support in your healing. May each of you find kindness towards yourselves through the holidays and beyond. And may each of you feel the touch of the Divine each and every day.